No means NO

I have received the first experience-story submission. This experience comes from Lily of the Valley. I want to personally thank her for her bravery in sharing her story. I know it can be difficult. Please know that you have our support and that what happened was not your fault.

The summer that I was 23 was a summer I’ll never forget. In many ways, it was the best summer of my life. I got to follow a rock star across the country, I had an awesome vacation with my friends and I managed a 4.0 GPA for the summer semester. However, on the flip side of the coin, it was a difficult summer. My grandfather lost his battle with lung cancer which ended up dividing our family. That summer was also the summer that I became a statistic. I was raped by my boyfriend at the time.

I will never forget this day. I had just come back from California and he and I were lying on my bed watching a movie in our pajamas. He turned over and said “I missed you,” and started rubbing my clitoris through my shorts. “Don’t,” I said. “I’m jet lagged and I just want to sleep.” For the next 10 or so minutes he kept at it. Finally, when he had stripped me of my shorts and had put his fingers into my vagina, I said “Whatever…” and we had sex. It didn’t dawn on me until much later that this was rape.

It wasn’t until after we broke up that I realized that almost every time we had sex for the last year of our relationship that it was like this instance. A lot of the things he did constituted sexual abuse (examples: buying me a sex toy and telling me that I should use it, calling me his slut, pressuring me for anal intercourse, etc…). I also realized that he never had a nice thing to say about me. When I told him that I was going to see a therapist about the depression over my grandfather‘s passing, he told me “Maybe if you lose weight, you’ll feel better about yourself.” Ironically, when we broke up, I ended up not needing that therapist.

What I know now is that none of this was my fault. I did nothing to deserve the hell that he put me through for 2 out of 3 years. I will never get that time in my life back, but I can use my time now to help other victims of sexual assault.

I didn’t report what he did to me. Now that I recognize what happened to me, I will report it if it happens again. Thankfully, I now am with someone who loves and accepts who I am. It’s nice.

From: Lily of the Valley

Stories of in-relationship sexual assault can be particularly hard to share because of the overwhelming level of animosity on this issue. Like all women who have been through this situation, I hope that everyone out there knows: you have a right to say no to your partner and expect to be taken at your word.

Time

Hello All,

I know it is taking some time to get new stories posted on here. Please be patient. I have had a few people express an interest but it can take time to talk yourself around to the right mental state to do something like this.

In the meantime, if you are interested in sharing your story, email me at:  itsnotyourfaultproject@gmail.com

Here is the video introducing the project.

Yes, that is me: Ania.

I encourage everyone to do their best to contribute something. If you do not want to do a video, feel free to write out your story anonymously.

Here I tell my story. It is the first video I made, both in general and for this project.

I apologize for the lag in audio. I am working with a built in webcam. If anyone knows how to fix this, please let me know.

The Project

Part of the project involves other Sexual Assault Victims, and concerned citizens, to get involved by speaking out.

You can:

– share your story by

• making a video for our YouTube Channel
• write a blog post
• write a letter
• write a poem
• draw or pain a picture
• write a song

– offer support via all of the above.

Any and all media can be sent to me at itsnotyourfaultproject@gmail.com

Welcome

I started this as a forum for both victims of sexual abuse and concerned citizens to tell other sexual abuse victims that what happened to them was not their fault.

It began because of the story of the poor 11 year old girl in Cleveland, Texas. Her community rather than band behind her, chose to further scar her by making it seem like she was somehow to blame for what happened to her. I read about it on Pharyngula and I was outraged. So were many of the other  women, and men,  on the site. Slowly we began to realize that many of us have suffered some form of sexual abuse and we decided to speak out!

In Ontario alone 1 in 3 Women and 1 in 4 Men will suffer some form of sexual abuse and/or assault before they are 16.

And that is just before they are 16.

Many women will be involved in abusive relationships that may involve sex.

95% of Sexual assaults are committed by people known by the victim before hand.

When you think of sexual assault or rape, most of you will probably think of a dark alley or street with a woman coming home from work, a club, the store being grabbed and forced by some stranger.

This is wrong.

Sexual assaults are more likely to take place in the victim’s home (#1 place) or in the perps home (#2 place). They can take place in a doctor’s office, in a car, in a school. They can happen anywhere and to anyone.

There is no such thing as a victim type. Certain types of women are not more likely to be raped than others.

There is only one thing that ALL victims have in common. No matter the situation, it is NEVER the victim’s fault.

It was not my fault when I was assaulted by a doctor when I was 18, and it is not your fault.

It does not matter if the rape happened on the street, in your home, at his home, at a friend’s home, in a car, or anywhere: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

It does not matter if the rapist was your Husband, Wife, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Sister, Mother, Brother, Father, Uncle, Second Cousin twice removed, Grandparent, Random stranger, your Doctor, a Police Office, a Fire Fighter.It doesn’t matter who it was that hurt. What matters is that what THEY did was wrong and is in no way YOUR fault.